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Legal Ways to Get Revenge on Your Toddler


As my daughter transitions from infancy into toddlerhood and my son devolves from toddlerhood to a threenager, I decided a prudent course of action to take would be to start a list of ways to get revenge on both of them.

Pretty sure we all know the answer to this one.

Pretty sure we all know the answer to this one.

This way I’ll feel better, knowing I have my revenge ready, the next time we’re eating out and my daughter catapults silverware over to the next table like a miniature and crappy assassin. So here’s my list so far:

Top 5 Ways to Get Revenge on Your Toddler/Preschooler

5) Blend healthy stuff they absolutely hate into their smoothies.

Oh, it's not just kale in there, hon. There's probiotics too. And DHA. Boom, son. Who's your mama?

Oh, it’s not just kale in there, hon. There’s celery too. And DHA. Boom, son. Who’s your mama?

4) Convincing them that if they drink soda, they’ll shrink until they’re smaller than their baby sister.

3) Telling them there’s no more ice cream/chocolate/chips just so you can eat it by yourself later. Alone. In silence.


2) Angry toy cleaning (read: disposal) in the middle of the night.

1) Tying their shoelaces together when they’re sitting in the shopping cart seat so they can’t move. I’ve actually been looking on Amazon for little kid shoes with shoelaces just so I can do this.


Parents, help me out. There must be more!

And what transgressions would warrant any of the above reprisals?

5) Yelling in public “YOU KNOCKED ME DOWN, MAMA!” after tripping over his own feet.


4) Causing a panicked and embarrassing phone call to Poison Control about ingesting KY lube.

3) Letting out a 110 decibel fart while Mom’s on a client call.


2) Distracting Mom so she doesn’t notice she’s walking around Target with her nursing tank top unstrapped.

1) Water + any iOS device.

omfgWhat’s the worst/most embarrassing thing your kid has ever done to you? Leave a comment.



I used to think being an attorney was a tough job. Then I had kids.

2 responses »

  1. My oldest child throwing tantrumS in the middle of the mall with lots of people Looking. The worst thing is he was too heavy at that time…well he is heavier now. So I can’t carry him,so I dragged him to the sides. I was with my mum n grandma At that time. So we ended up going home.

  2. They have a funny way of suddenly becoming 10 pounds heavier, don’t they! Sorry that happened. People shouldn’t look. If they’re parents, they should understand. And if they are not parents . . . well, they shouldn’t judge.


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